WARNING! HARSH LANGUAGE, PARENTAL GUIDANCE IS ADVISED.
I don't usually do this but the circumstances demand it. I have a lot of frustration bottled in from watching the "Amazing Spider-Man" movie. Actually, my frustrations are not entirely from the movie as much as they were triggered by the responses of other watchers.
|He was DEFINITELY at the theater.|
I will just say, from the onset this movie is riddled with failure and disappointment at every turn so much that I feel the weight of typing all the misfires already. It failed to make sense even within its own flawed logic. Visiting its memory is a journey to a place that I am only taking for the benefit of others. I will now get into it with a plot dissection. My memory may be scanty at some bits as I occasionally closed my eyes in disbelief or turned to discuss the horror on screen with my brother who was equally disgusted.
Let us begin.
A young Peter Parker is abandoned by his parents who were working on a secret formula for Oscorp but have their house ravaged by (who knows) and decide to escape leaving young Peter with his aunt and Uncle Ben. It is very unclear where Peter's parents are from this point on until some point in the movie when a newspaper clipping (which if you aren't keen you might miss) shows their plane crashed somewhere and they presumably died. That newspaper clipping also signals lip service later on pointing to the fact that Dr. Connors (the eventual villain) must comply with a certain Oscorp project (that involves human experimentation with animal DNA to save Norman Osborn from who-knows-what disease) or he will suffer the fate of Peter's parents. Hmmm... Ok, whatevs...
|Uncle Ben is cheating on Aunt May with the|
nutty lady from "Brothers & Sisters."
So the family has had a bag belonging to Peter's father which they all thought to be empty with a secret compartment containing files. Peter of course discovers the secret compartment, blaaady bla bla, and finds a picture that turns out to be his father & Dr Connors and a secret formula written on paper.
|The brains behind Oscorp.|
So Peter escapes from the Oscorp tour following a man who had documents of interest to him and sneaks into a room full of glowing spiders and I do mean FULL of glowing spiders. He plays with one of their webs and they all come crumbling down on him. As he escapes the room, one conveniently remains in the back of his jacket. So at this point I am wondering, room FULL of spiders, one bites him, turns him into Spider-Man, what do all the rest of the spiders do and what happened to them after that scene and just why... Why did they have a room containing hundreds of glowing spiders? Even when he did become Spider-Man, these Oscorp scientists had a room FULL of spiders. Why did nobody say, "Hey, there's a kid with spider powers running around. Why don't we go to our spider room because we have loads of spiders at Oscorp and we could create another?" How is it that Peter was the only victim of a spider bite that turned into a super powered hero while EVERY OTHER CROSS-SPECIES EXPERIMENT, LIZARD, SPIDER OR RAT ENDED IN DEATH OR HORRID MUTATION? The tale of that room full of spiders was just supposed to fade from memory as we accept that Peter was the only mutation gone right and the scientists didn't think to find out why.
|Fellow New Yorkers, please don't remember my|
Peter enters a store to buy milk (because that's just what he does when he's upset. Teenagers...) and the store owner refuses to sell him milk because he is a couple pennies short or something. A guy who is clearly a mugger behind him holds up the store, gives Peter the milk he was unable to pay for and escapes. So Peter, the accessory to store robbery is asked to help catch the guy by the store owner to which he says something to the effect of, "Not my concern." Hmmm... Where have I seen this scene before... Meanwhile, Uncle Ben is walking the same street looking for Peter the Douche. What he finds is a mugger fleeing and conveniently falling in front of him with gun. Heroic Uncle Ben wrestles for the gun and gets shot in the process. Peter subsequently does the whole teary "WHYYY!!!" bit. Hmmm, where have I seen ALL THESE SCENES BEFORE??? I found this writing so incredibly lazy and an insult to ticket-buyers everywhere. Yes, as expected, Peter got a police sketch and chose to use his powers to hunt down Uncle Ben's killers... What is going on here??? Reboot you say? Maybe you need to look up the word Marc Webb. What was even sadder was the police officer's comment to Peter as he walked out. "Oh, remember he has a tattoo on his wrist." How this piece of information would be useful to this teenager, I don't know, unless of course the writers thought it would help explain Peter's nightly rampages through the streets beating up strangers and checking for a tattoo on their wrists...
Why they even did an origin is beyond me after Sam Raimi left no doubt that there is no better way to possibly envision an origin story of Spider-Man. After a while, I guess Peter just lost interest in finding Uncle Ben's killer or weightier matters took precedence.
|I thought I was good but my face is turning scaly so I must |
|Step aside Edward & Bella, |
there's a new power couple
Peter's big reveal to Gwen about his identity was appalling, an unbelievable mess of a scene and only the fact that I was treated to the movie prevented me from storming out at that point. It was like witnessing a raping of a character you know and love. Gwen chose to say "Oh my god you're Spider-Man" even before it was established who this vigilante running around the city was. There was no J. Jonah Jameson to create the name on the front page of the Daily Bugle, it just popped up from goodness knows where. It wasn't once mentioned in the media or anywhere else in the movie. Later Peter came out to boldly claim "I am Spider-Man." No you're not, you're the product of a director who didn't know what the hell he was doing.
As far as Dr. Connors is concerned I don't know what the hell was going on with him. Norman Osborn is dying and Connors must find a cure or he will be killed like Peter Parker's parents. Connors injects lizard DNA into his arm which grows back then an instant mutation turns him into The Lizard at the back of a New York taxi. From this point on, the Dr. who has since been level headed goes on a rampage with an unclear motive (presumably to stop some guy from going somewhere to do something that may get him in trouble) smashing everything in sight. He gets into a fight with Spider-Man and escapes to a hole. In this sewer (which suddenly has a fully equipped laboratory) he decides that humans are foolish and must all be turned into lizard people. He cooks up a formula and heads for Oscorp to poison the city and turn everyone into Lizard people. Yes, it really happened.
|My hand is growing back! Too bad the urge to destroy the|
city will soon follow. It is what it is...
As Gwen Stacy uses her superior intellect to whip-up the antidote, it becomes clear to Spider-Man that she is in danger. He must find his way to Oscorp to save the city from the threat of the lizard-people virus. Oh how we love that iconic doom-the-city-from-a-tall-building (Transformer/Avengers) scene. Unfortunately for Spider-Man, he is viewed as a menace so he gets shot in the thigh by New York's finest and Captain Stacy is on hand to take-off his mask. "Gasp! Its the teenager who be dating my daughter..." (How many people will this kid expose his secret identity to?) Peter is able to "reason" with the Captain who spares him and sets him free to rescue his daughter and the city. It is interesting that in this scene, there are hundreds of witnesses on that street but only the Captain really sees Spider-Man's identity without the mask. The police all stand slack-jaw staring as they place the fate of the city in the hands of a teenager who they just shot and wounded. Spider-Man is now limping and running out of time. Fortunately for him, several building cranes are stationed between his exact location and Oscorp. What are the odds of that?
News channels suddenly turn into narrators explaining how Spider-Man needs to make his way to Oscorp but is wounded and may not make it in time. It was as if he was texting them with his immediate thoughts for them to report to the public. After that absurd news broadcast, the crane operators get inspired by the situation to station their cranes in a way that would allow a few Tarzan swings to Oscorp. Beyond this unbelievable coincidence, it was also very fortunate that Spider-Man was armed with the power of forgetfulness. He webbed-up his thigh and pretty much forgot that he got shot as he swung into action and arrived at Oscorp.
|The Iguana... err... Lizard interrupts Gwen Stacy's|
synthesis of the lizard-people antidote...
If you know anything about Spider-Man you will be wondering, where was Norman Osborn through all this? I mean, I have seen Oscorp mentioned tonnes of times and Osborn orchestrating the deaths of Peter's parents so where was he? Unfortunately even I can't tell you because I didn't see him. He didn't once make an appearance during the entire duration of the film. Yaaay for us however, they had a post-credits scene with a voice speaking incomprehensibly from the shadows and a figure who was impossible to identify. Thanks Marc Webb. That was bloody helpful.
I won't even get into the eventual and unnatural bromance between Flash (another victim of bipolar characterization) and Peter, one which I have never seen or read about before. Neither will I address the super powered displays by Peter suddenly having the ability to bend a football post by tossing a ball at it or flying higher than the basketball rim and smashing it to pieces and not arousing any suspicion from his clearly less-than-intelligent schoolmates. Even when The Lizard rampaged through the school and fought Spider-Man, nobody was able to make the connection between him and Peter. I also don't think I should discuss Peter Parker's skateboard which was broken severally but thankfully, being a magic skateboard, like his magical Spider-Man suit that just appeared when he became Spider-Man, it always returned to normal whenever he needed it.
|Oh no, Peter's secret is out!|
Quite frankly, it speaks for itself. This was a BAD! movie and with each new sentence I type I discover a new flaw. I will watch Green Lantern ten times before I revisit that horror of a character's butchering.